The first time we moved my dad to a nursing home, we did it out of necessity. He was recovering from a stroke and had been undergoing physical therapy in a rehabilitation hospital. The nursing home, which also offered physical therapy, was the last stop before transitioning back home.
During his several-months stay, we visited him regularly, spoke with nurses and aides and made sure he was comfortable. Even so, we thought my dad’s mental state deteriorated and that he got weaker. When he eventually returned home, we all felt somewhat relieved.
Was it because he was in a nursing home? Afterall, there’s nothing like living in your own house with Mom’s home-cooked meals and her attention to detail. Who knows.
It was with mixed feelings then that my family and I decided last week to move Dad to a nursing home. It’s supposed to be a temporary stay to give my mom a break before her next surgery. The surgery on her left eye had been scheduled for last Thursday, but her doctor postponed it after noticing an abnormality in her EKG.
After five years of caring for Dad, Mom has slowed down and grown more physically exhausted. Even with a home health aide, who comes to the house in the morning and evening to get my dad in and out of bed, the work has become too much for her.
For the longest time, we told ourselves that Dad was better off at home, that the alternative was simply too risky for him and not worth it. We had walked the dreary corridors of the nursing home and told ourselves that Dad deserved to stay in his own house where he’s loved and won’t be ignored.
But there comes a point when a caregiver’s health and sanity supersedes the well-being of the loved one. After telling Mom to hold off on surgery, her doctor recommended she go see a cardiologist. I think that’s when we knew that moving Dad — at least until we know what’s wrong with Mom — might be in everyone’s best interest.
Just the thought of Dad sleeping and eating somewhere else without Mom’s watchful eyes on him makes me sad and anxious. Will he be lonely? Will he be mistreated? Will he forget why he’s there and think he’s been abandoned? We hope not. But we also hope Mom’s health doesn’t get worse.
I don’t think most people want to move their parents to a nursing home, but sometimes there is no other choice.
Stella,
You have my sympathies and prayers. Your in a difficult situation and I don’t envy you. I hope you father will be able to come home soon and that in the meantime he’ll be in a place where he receives love and attention.
Kristine
Thank you, Kristine! I appreciate it.
Sometimes there really is no choice. And as long as you, his family, continue to be advocates for him, making sure that the staff there knows you are on the lookout for is best interests, he will have good care. You do what you have to do to keep him safe, and your mother safe — and healthy.
Very true, Beatriz. Thanks.
Stella, courage, my prayers r with u all, do say hello to your mother for me! animo! peace- rose
Thank you, Rose! I told her and she says hello, too, and asked how you’re doing.
I’m praying for all three of you. I know you’re stuck btw a rock/hard place. Keep reminding yourself and your dad that this is a temporary arrangement.
Thank you, my friend! Feeling better about the decision after visiting him yesterday, but more on that later.
Amiga mia! I know this has to be one of the hardest things in life to decide on. As we all grow older; so do our parents, and in most cases we have to decide what is trully best for them long-term. I know you are very sentimental, but also very strong. You will find peace knowing that you are doing what is best for not just one of your parents, but for both. Your Dad will have the medical care and personal attention he needs at the nursing home, and your Mom will be able to focus on getting better and stronger. When it comes to heart related issues; they are not to be taken lightly; therefore, you are making the right choice. How far is the nursing home from you, your Mom’s house, and your brother’s home? Your Dad will be looking forward to all of you visiting him. Your Mom can take him some of her delicious home cooked meals and he’ll feel like he’s right at home! Whether this is a temporary or extended stay, I will be keeping you and your entire family in my prayers……Let me know if I can do anything to help! Remember I’m also here for you whenever you need or want to talk!!
Thank you, Laura. That means a lot. We had a good visit with him yesterday, which I’ll be writing about sometime this weekend.
oh, Stella. I can only imagine how hard this decision must have been for you and your family. I am so sorry. My heart and thoughts are with you.
Love you,
A
Thanks, Allison! I appreciate the message.
“It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires great strength to decide on what to do.” – Elbert Hubbard
Sorry I hadn’t a chance to read and reply sooner, but thinking of you.
Hard to make that decision, but sometimes one has to make a drastic change in life. The home, routines or external things may be altered, those things that are not a requisite to make us whole inside….. but your dad will continue living the truest depth of his life unaltered because the care and love of his family, you – Stella, does not change and he will always know that.
Thank you, Hilda!
Stella,
Your statement “But there comes a point when a caregiver’s health and sanity supersedes the well-being of the loved one” describes it best. Although caregiving is a testament of our love and the perseverance that accompanies it, it is a difficult process. Your mom’s well being was also being affected and you, your brother, and siblings were caught caregiving for both parents. Please accept my humble opinion that you did what you had to do for the well being of both your parents. I acknowledge that it must have been a very difficult and painful decision and I strongly believe you made the best decision in light of the circumstances.